Chapter 2. THE MAN FROM SOMEWHERE

MrandMrsVeneeringwerebran-newpeopleinabran-newhouseinabran-newquarterofLondon.EverythingabouttheVeneeringswasspickandspannew.Alltheirfurniturewasnew,alltheirfriendswerenew,alltheirservantswerenew,theirplatewasnew,theircarriagewasnew,theirharnesswasnew,theirhorseswerenew,theirpictureswerenew,theythemselveswerenew,theywereasnewlymarriedaswaslawfullycompatiblewiththeirhavingabran-newbaby,andiftheyhadsetupagreat-grandfather,hewouldhavecomehomeinmattingfromthePantechnicon,withoutascratchuponhim,Frenchpolishedtothecrownofhishead. For,intheVeneeringestablishment,fromthehall-chairswiththenewcoatofarms,tothegrandpianofortewiththenewaction,andupstairsagaintothenewfire-escape,allthingswereinastateofhighvarnishandpolish.Andwhatwasobservableinthefurniture,wasobservableintheVeneerings—thesurfacesmeltalittletoomuchoftheworkshopandwasatriflesticky. Therewasaninnocentpieceofdinner-furniturethatwentuponeasycastorsandwaskeptoveraliverystable-yardinDukeStreet,SaintJames’s,whennotinuse,towhomtheVeneeringswereasourceofblindconfusion.ThenameofthisarticlewasTwemlow.BeingfirstcousintoLordSnigsworth,hewasinfrequentrequisition,andatmanyhousesmightbesaidtorepresentthedining-tableinitsnormalstate.MrandMrsVeneering,forexample,arrangingadinner,habituallystartedwithTwemlow,andthenputleavesinhim,oraddedgueststohim.Sometimes,thetableconsistedofTwemlowandhalfadozenleavessometimes,ofTwemlowandadozenleavessometimes,Twemlowwaspulledouttohisutmostextentoftwentyleaves.MrandMrsVeneeringonoccasionsofceremonyfacedeachotherinthecentreoftheboard,andthustheparallelstillheldfor,italwayshappenedthatthemoreTwemlowwaspulledout,thefurtherhefoundhimselffromthecenter,andnearertothesideboardatoneendoftheroom,orthewindow-curtainsattheother. But,itwasnotthiswhichsteepedthefeeblesoulofTwemlowinconfusion.Thishewasusedto,andcouldtakesoundingsof.Theabysstowhichhecouldfindnobottom,andfromwhichstartedforththeengrossingandever-swellingdifficultyofhislife,wastheinsolublequestionwhetherhewasVeneering’soldestfriend,ornewestfriend.Totheexcogitationofthisproblem,theharmlessgentlemanhaddevotedmanyanxioushours,bothinhislodgingsovertheliverystable-yard,andinthecoldgloom,favourabletomeditation,ofSaintJames’sSquare.Thus.TwemlowhadfirstknownVeneeringathisclub,whereVeneeringthenknewnobodybutthemanwhomadethemknowntooneanother,whoseemedtobethemostintimatefriendhehadintheworld,andwhomhehadknowntwodays—thebondofunionbetweentheirsouls,thenefariousconductofthecommitteerespectingthecookeryofafilletofveal,havingbeenaccidentallycementedatthatdate.Immediatelyuponthis,TwemlowreceivedaninvitationtodinewithVeneering,anddined:themanbeingoftheparty.Immediatelyuponthat,Twemlowreceivedaninvitationtodinewiththeman,anddined:Veneeringbeingoftheparty.Attheman’swereaMember,anEngineer,aPayer-offoftheNationalDebt,aPoemonShakespeare,aGrievance,andaPublicOffice,whoallseemtobeutterstrangerstoVeneering.Andyetimmediatelyafterthat,TwemlowreceivedaninvitationtodineatVeneerings,expresslytomeettheMember,theEngineer,thePayer-offoftheNationalDebt,thePoemonShakespeare,theGrievance,andthePublicOffice,and,dining,discoveredthatallofthemwerethemostintimatefriendsVeneeringhadintheworld,andthatthewivesofallofthem(whowereallthere)weretheobjectsofMrsVeneering’smostdevotedaffectionandtenderconfidence. Thusithadcomeabout,thatMrTwemlowhadsaidtohimselfinhislodgings,withhishandtohisforehead:‘Imustnotthinkofthis.Thisisenoughtosoftenanyman’sbrain,’—andyetwasalwaysthinkingofit,andcouldneverformaconclusion. ThiseveningtheVeneeringsgiveabanquet.ElevenleavesintheTwemlowfourteenincompanyalltold.Fourpigeon-breastedretainersinplainclothesstandinlineinthehall.Afifthretainer,proceedingupthestaircasewithamournfulair—aswhoshouldsay,‘Hereisanotherwretchedcreaturecometodinnersuchislife!’—announces,‘Mis-terTwemlow!’ MrsVeneeringwelcomeshersweetMrTwemlow.MrVeneeringwelcomeshisdearTwemlow.MrsVeneeringdoesnotexpectthatMrTwemlowcaninnaturecaremuchforsuchinsipidthingsasbabies,butsooldafriendmustpleasetolookatbaby.‘Ah!Youwillknowthefriendofyourfamilybetter,Tootleums,’saysMrVeneering,noddingemotionallyatthatnewarticle,‘whenyoubegintotakenotice.’HethenbegstomakehisdearTwemlowknowntohistwofriends,MrBootsandMrBrewer—andclearlyhasnodistinctideawhichiswhich. Butnowafearfulcircumstanceoccurs. ‘Mis-terandMis-susPodsnap!’ ‘Mydear,’saysMrVeneeringtoMrsVeneering,withanairofmuchfriendlyinterest,whilethedoorstandsopen,‘thePodsnaps.’ Atoo,toosmilinglargeman,withafatalfres