Chapter 2. THE MAN FROM SOMEWHERE

hnessonhim,appearingwithhiswife,instantlydesertshiswifeanddartsatTwemlowwith: ‘Howdoyoudo?Sogladtoknowyou.Charminghouseyouhavehere.Ihopewearenotlate.Sogladoftheopportunity,Iamsure!’ Whenthefirstshockfelluponhim,Twemlowtwiceskippedbackinhisneatlittleshoesandhisneatlittlesilkstockingsofabygonefashion,asifimpelledtoleapoverasofabehindhimbutthelargemanclosedwithhimandprovedtoostrong. ‘Letme,’saysthelargeman,tryingtoattracttheattentionofhiswifeinthedistance,‘havethepleasureofpresentingMrsPodsnaptoherhost.Shewillbe,’inhisfatalfreshnessheseemstofindperpetualverdureandeternalyouthinthephrase,‘shewillbesogladoftheopportunity,Iamsure!’ Inthemeantime,MrsPodsnap,unabletooriginateamistakeonherownaccount,becauseMrsVeneeringistheonlyotherladythere,doesherbestinthewayofhandsomelysupportingherhusband’s,bylookingtowardsMrTwemlowwithaplaintivecountenanceandremarkingtoMrsVeneeringinafeelingmanner,firstly,thatshefearshehasbeenratherbiliousoflate,and,secondly,thatthebabyisalreadyverylikehim. Itisquestionablewhetheranymanquiterelishesbeingmistakenforanyothermanbut,MrVeneeringhavingthisveryeveningsetuptheshirt-frontoftheyoungAntinousinnewworkedcambricjustcomehome,isnotatallcomplimentedbybeingsupposedtobeTwemlow,whoisdryandweazenandsomethirtyyearsolder.MrsVeneeringequallyresentstheimputationofbeingthewifeofTwemlow.AstoTwemlow,heissosensibleofbeingamuchbetterbredmanthanVeneering,thatheconsidersthelargemananoffensiveass. Inthiscomplicateddilemma,MrVeneeringapproachesthelargemanwithextendedhandand,smilinglyassuresthatincorrigiblepersonagethatheisdelightedtoseehim:whoinhisfatalfreshnessinstantlyreplies: ‘Thankyou.IamashamedtosaythatIcannotatthismomentrecallwherewemet,butIamsogladofthisopportunity,Iamsure!’ ThenpouncinguponTwemlow,whoholdsbackwithallhisfeeblemight,heishalinghimofftopresenthim,asVeneering,toMrsPodsnap,whenthearrivalofmoreguestsunravelsthemistake.Whereupon,havingre-shakenhandswithVeneeringasVeneering,here-shakeshandswithTwemlowasTwemlow,andwindsitalluptohisownperfectsatisfactionbysayingtothelast-named,‘Ridiculousopportunity—butsogladofit,Iamsure!’ Now,Twemlowhavingundergonethisterrificexperience,havinglikewisenotedthefusionofBootsinBrewerandBrewerinBoots,andhavingfurtherobservedthatoftheremainingsevenguestsfourdiscretecharactersenterwithwanderingeyesandwhollydeclinedtocommitthemselvesastowhichisVeneering,untilVeneeringhastheminhisgrasp—Twemlowhavingprofitedbythesestudies,findshisbrainwholesomelyhardeningasheapproachestheconclusionthathereallyisVeneering’soldestfriend,whenhisbrainsoftensagainandallislost,throughhiseyesencounteringVeneeringandthelargemanlinkedtogetherastwinbrothersinthebackdrawing-roomneartheconservatorydoor,andthroughhisearsinforminghiminthetonesofMrsVeneeringthatthesamelargemanistobebaby’sgodfather. ‘Dinnerisonthetable!’ Thusthemelancholyretainer,aswhoshouldsay,‘Comedownandbepoisoned,yeunhappychildrenofmen!’ Twemlow,havingnoladyassignedhim,goesdownintherear,withhishandtohisforehead.BootsandBrewer,thinkinghimindisposed,whisper,‘Manfaint.Hadnolunch.’Butheisonlystunnedbytheunvanquishabledifficultyofhisexistence. Revivedbysoup,TwemlowdiscoursesmildlyoftheCourtCircularwithBootsandBrewer.Isappealedto,atthefishstageofthebanquet,byVeneering,onthedisputedquestionwhetherhiscousinLordSnigsworthisinoroutoftown?Givesitthathiscousinisoutoftown.‘AtSnigsworthyPark?’Veneeringinquires.‘AtSnigsworthy,’Twemlowrejoins.BootsandBrewerregardthisasamantobecultivatedandVeneeringisclearthatheisaremunerativearticle.Meantimetheretainergoesround,likeagloomyAnalyticalChemist:alwaysseemingtosay,after‘Chablis,sir?’—‘Youwouldn’tifyouknewwhatit’smadeof.’ Thegreatlooking-glassabovethesideboard,reflectsthetableandthecompany.ReflectsthenewVeneeringcrest,ingoldandekeinsilver,frostedandalsothawed,acamelofallwork.TheHeralds’CollegefoundoutaCrusadingancestorforVeneeringwhoboreacamelonhisshield(ormighthavedoneitifhehadthoughtofit),andacaravanofcamelstakechargeofthefruitsandflowersandcandles,andkneeldownbeloadedwiththesalt.ReflectsVeneeringforty,wavy-haired,dark,tendingtocorpulence,sly,mysterious,filmy—akindofsufficientlywell-lookingveiled-prophet,notprophesying.ReflectsMrsVeneeringfair,aquiline-nosedandfingered,notsomuchlighthairasshemighthave,gorgeousinraimentandjewels,enthusiastic,propitiatory,consciousthatacornerofherhusband’sveilisoverherself.ReflectsPodsnapprosperouslyfeeding,twolittlelight-colouredwirywings,oneoneithersideofhiselsebaldhe